A few days ago I had an incredible dream. I dreamt I gave birth, and the nurse handed me a slimy, smelly baby covered in mucus and blood. I remember the feeling I had when the baby was placed in my arms, I was unbelievably, uncontrollably and ecstatically happy - in my dream it felt like my heart would burst open because it couldn't contain the happiness... in the dream I was crying and smiling and so full of love and hope... I woke up, so peaceful and with a little smile on my face.
Later that morning on the drive to work with my husband, I told him about the dream and he asked me if it was a boy or a girl - I told him I didn't care - I was too happy to even care. Now that is something huge for me because I've always wanted to have a baby girl... I have nothing against having a boy, I just always wanted to have a little girl.
Fast forward to yesterday... I had to leave work after lunch because I had the worst sudden period of my life (and I've had some doozies) and the pain and cramps were so bad I had to stop and get a heating pad and painkillers. Now I'm not a wuss, I'm actually pretty pain tolerant and I'm used to having messed up periods - I have Poly-Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) which basically means that because I don't ovulate properly or regularly, I most likely will never be able to get pregnant... if you want to know more about this condition, Google it or hit up Wikipedia.
After dropping me off at home - and making sure my new heating pad is working, my husband goes back to work. I end up reading and watching movies for the rest of the afternoon, while popping Midol and heating up my malfunctioning 'girl parts'... if I don't move, or breathe the pain isn't so bad... LOL
My husband comes home and cooks dinner - which is my job 99% of the time, but I'm not about to move from the couch. We watch some episodes of Glee we've downloaded - we are total Gleeks - and for some reason I am really SUPER emotional... now I want to get something perfectly clear... I am NOT a typical girl - I'm a lot more like a guy - I've never really felt womanly and I don't often cry or get weepy because of a TV show... I blame the emotions of my unexpected and sudden period - I mean I've got to have some serious hormonal things happening right?
So we finish the evening off with a fairly new episode of the Simpsons - it was the mothers day one... when it ends I find myself completely unhinged. My husband - unaware of the turmoil happening within me - goes to bed. I try and contain myself and go onto Facebook to try and distract myself from the unsettling feeling that my emotional dam is about to explode six ways from Sunday... The first post I see is from a friend of mine who is pregnant and is past her due date and really REALLY wants to have her baby now... I love my friend dearly and I thought I had come to terms with yet another of my friends or family members having babies... apparently not so...
It feels like my heart is being ripped from my chest... if I thought my period pain was bad, I was so very wrong... the pain in my heart and in my soul is ripping me apart.
I sat at the computer with tears pouring down my cheeks, silently weeping for all the things I want but can not have... I don't want to have to explain why I am sobbing to my husband who is reading in bed about 10 feet from me so I don't make a sound, which for the amount of crying I am doing is pretty impressive. Later I wondered why I didn't want to show this emotional unhinging to my husband... part of it I think is because I don't like to show my weaknesses and part of it is because most of my life I have felt like a failure when it comes to being a woman... after all, not only can I not get pregnant... my breasts are two different sizes (one A and one C), I have a lot of hair growing where it shouldn't - like my face and chest, I am seriosly overweight and I don't have the curvy shape one expects of a woman...
I manage to get the crying under control and finally it stops... I can still feel the raw ache in my chest but I manage to turn off the sobbing part and make it into bed.
yeah, or so I thought.
As I stare at the ceiling, the sobbing begins anew... in my head I am screaming at God for being cruel, tears are running down my cheeks and pooling in my ears (which is very unpleasant). I am screaming (in my head) "why? what is the lesson I'm supposed to be learning from all this pain? why won't you let me get pregnant?" In my head I can't help but curse God and for a brief moment I ask him to let me die, in my head I say I'd rather be gone from this world than have to feel this much pain in my soul... I let it all out, all the anger, all the hurt, the sense of betrayal... everything.
And then it happens, the rare, clarity of thought. I think to myself, why am I focusing on all of the bad - what about all of the good in my life? Focusing on good is hard, the bad is easier to see... I'm still sobbing and trying not to disturb my husband, who I think is asleep. and it dawns on me what the best and most wonderful part of my life is and he's laying right next to me. This wonderful man is the reason I smile, the reason I want 5 more minutes in bed every morning, the reason I look forward to 5pm and the ride home, the only one I feel comfortable enough with to walk around in next to nothing, the only one who makes me feel completely safe, the only one who makes me feel beautiful, the only one who doesn't care that I've got mismatched boobies or that I am really REALLY overweight, the one who would do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING he could to make me happy.
In my head I apologize to God for all the mean and nasty things I said in my head, and I start thanking him for the wonderful man sleeping next to me and I ask his forgiveness and to give me peace so I can sleep and let it all go.
I'm still crying, but its not with the hopelessness of before... I turn over and cuddle my husband's back, holding him tightly, trying to put all of the love I have for him into the unspoken quiet darkness of the room, the warmth of our touch and the peace of sleeping next to the biggest blessing in life...
I know I may never get pregnant and give birth, and that we're most likely never to have the money needed to do fertility treatments but I still can have hope that some day my husband and I will be blessed with a child - even if its one I didn't give birth to...
